Saturday, August 15, 2009
A mix of feelings.. a sinking heart.. Read some stuff which helped me confirm that i shouldn't be doing it anymore.
Ok then.. let's be honest. Yes i'm talking about worship. I don't care who's reading this, who's not going to read this.. it's my journal.. its my blog.. i'm taking it down. Honestly i don't know who understands it all.. Indeed communication all moved down.
In the midst of meeting up with individual worship team members. Trying to explain the whole situation, breaking the news of me stepping down. It wasn't an easy decision.. But i guess, i had to. It's a scary step to take. It's not easy.. Just like how when i stepped up and accepted the role in the first place. The fear... the many doubts of myself.. i prayed and prayed. For God to be with me through the decision i make. Many weeks of crying, constant praying.. i finally took the step and made the decision of stepping down.
I know i've let the team down. Many were disappointed in me. I know i failed being a leader. I know i'm not a good one. it happened too when i co-ordinated con camp that year.. The passing comments made of how val did't do a good job. And once again... these similar comments are being passed on.. Yes, i know i'm lousy.. i left the team hanging.. i didn't know what to do.. I wasn't contactable.. i was so tired, so lost that the only result i could do was to run away..
wrong choice i made i guess. But like i wanted to? It came to a point.. my breaking point. a point where i really really didn't know what to do. I didn't know who to talk to because no one could truly understand how it feels. It was really heartbreaking to know and to hear the comments being passed on.. But i don't blame them.. i took the leadership. I was the leader.. I have my responsibilites. But i apologise. I really did not know what to do.
There was a lot of internal stuggle. Facing the crazy times and demands at work, the whole moving house, packing house, facing with the fact that i'm moving to somewhere so darn far away...The tiredness just grew and grew.. i hanged on to whatever i could.. Until i couldn't anymore. Some people might just say "Just tell the team.. drop them a msg or whatsoever. just tell them you need a break" is it that easy? its not. there's more than what meets the eye. being the oldest in the team too.. plus being the leader. i couldn't just say that..
I know i've met a few members whom i've explained the situation. half more to go.. Affirmations came from them.. I thank them for the affirmations. But deep down inside.. Val still feels that she's failed. Val still feels that she's let the team down. On the surface i try to look as positive, i try to look as if that i'm ok already. But i'm telling you deep inside, i still feel that i'm not someone worth to be looked up upon. i'm not someone who i can be so certain i can be a leader. I am still affected by this whole situation. I'm still crying every now and then when i hear PnW songs. I still cry whenever i look back at photos.. I still cry whenever i think back of what we've gone thru tog. And it hurts even more to see the team doing praise and worship and i'm not there to be part of the team. I always just have to look ok. but deep inside, it's hurting and i've got to just cling on to God's strength... I'm sorry for those who held hopes and believing in the leader.. sorry for letting you down.. And those who tried to stand up for me listening to those comments passed, sorry for putting you in the spot too.
Some of you may think that since it's so bad. just leave and dont care anymore.. But this is what i have to say to the team. I dont know how many of you would read this. But hopefully one day you will read this.
My dearest W.T..
I'm truly sorry for all that has happened. For leaving the team just hanging in the air. For making everyone now feel so distant. Communication failed.. and disappointment rise. I'm really sorry for letting each of you down..
You all have been the best thing that has happened in my life. Having the team, was like a family to me. all the things that we've gone thru tog..learning off one another. practicing and putting our fruits of the Holy Spirit into use. Seeing how much you all have grown spiritually, its truly edifying to me. I guess what was planned for me in the team.. has just been so much. I don't have what it takes anymore to guide and lead you all on in the worship team. It's time where you guys learn more on the technical aspects and grow even further.
I really thank you guys for letting me grow.. For saying yes in the first place in being part of the team. No matter how far or where i am.. Though i may not physically be around.. Or look as if i dont care anymore, i acutally still do. All i can do now is to constantly and quietly be behind you guys and pray for you.
I really really miss you all a lot. And i'm sorry.
Ok then.. let's be honest. Yes i'm talking about worship. I don't care who's reading this, who's not going to read this.. it's my journal.. its my blog.. i'm taking it down. Honestly i don't know who understands it all.. Indeed communication all moved down.
In the midst of meeting up with individual worship team members. Trying to explain the whole situation, breaking the news of me stepping down. It wasn't an easy decision.. But i guess, i had to. It's a scary step to take. It's not easy.. Just like how when i stepped up and accepted the role in the first place. The fear... the many doubts of myself.. i prayed and prayed. For God to be with me through the decision i make. Many weeks of crying, constant praying.. i finally took the step and made the decision of stepping down.
I know i've let the team down. Many were disappointed in me. I know i failed being a leader. I know i'm not a good one. it happened too when i co-ordinated con camp that year.. The passing comments made of how val did't do a good job. And once again... these similar comments are being passed on.. Yes, i know i'm lousy.. i left the team hanging.. i didn't know what to do.. I wasn't contactable.. i was so tired, so lost that the only result i could do was to run away..
wrong choice i made i guess. But like i wanted to? It came to a point.. my breaking point. a point where i really really didn't know what to do. I didn't know who to talk to because no one could truly understand how it feels. It was really heartbreaking to know and to hear the comments being passed on.. But i don't blame them.. i took the leadership. I was the leader.. I have my responsibilites. But i apologise. I really did not know what to do.
There was a lot of internal stuggle. Facing the crazy times and demands at work, the whole moving house, packing house, facing with the fact that i'm moving to somewhere so darn far away...The tiredness just grew and grew.. i hanged on to whatever i could.. Until i couldn't anymore. Some people might just say "Just tell the team.. drop them a msg or whatsoever. just tell them you need a break" is it that easy? its not. there's more than what meets the eye. being the oldest in the team too.. plus being the leader. i couldn't just say that..
I know i've met a few members whom i've explained the situation. half more to go.. Affirmations came from them.. I thank them for the affirmations. But deep down inside.. Val still feels that she's failed. Val still feels that she's let the team down. On the surface i try to look as positive, i try to look as if that i'm ok already. But i'm telling you deep inside, i still feel that i'm not someone worth to be looked up upon. i'm not someone who i can be so certain i can be a leader. I am still affected by this whole situation. I'm still crying every now and then when i hear PnW songs. I still cry whenever i look back at photos.. I still cry whenever i think back of what we've gone thru tog. And it hurts even more to see the team doing praise and worship and i'm not there to be part of the team. I always just have to look ok. but deep inside, it's hurting and i've got to just cling on to God's strength... I'm sorry for those who held hopes and believing in the leader.. sorry for letting you down.. And those who tried to stand up for me listening to those comments passed, sorry for putting you in the spot too.
Some of you may think that since it's so bad. just leave and dont care anymore.. But this is what i have to say to the team. I dont know how many of you would read this. But hopefully one day you will read this.
My dearest W.T..
I'm truly sorry for all that has happened. For leaving the team just hanging in the air. For making everyone now feel so distant. Communication failed.. and disappointment rise. I'm really sorry for letting each of you down..
You all have been the best thing that has happened in my life. Having the team, was like a family to me. all the things that we've gone thru tog..learning off one another. practicing and putting our fruits of the Holy Spirit into use. Seeing how much you all have grown spiritually, its truly edifying to me. I guess what was planned for me in the team.. has just been so much. I don't have what it takes anymore to guide and lead you all on in the worship team. It's time where you guys learn more on the technical aspects and grow even further.
I really thank you guys for letting me grow.. For saying yes in the first place in being part of the team. No matter how far or where i am.. Though i may not physically be around.. Or look as if i dont care anymore, i acutally still do. All i can do now is to constantly and quietly be behind you guys and pray for you.
I really really miss you all a lot. And i'm sorry.
.she sings.
11:47 PM;
11:47 PM;
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Night shift... but it's ending!!! In a few hours..
My 3rd night... All has been ok...Yesterday was Nurses's day so there was like plenty of cakes and all going around. (: Each of us received some gift pack which my colleague said looked like some breastfeeding bag. hahah!
Anyway.. back on shift after such a long Annual Leave.. its terrible! So difficult to get yourself to work. But it's ok. I'm just looking forward to tmr my sleeping day and off day on Monday! (: Melvin said want to travel round singapore. hahaha! For makansutra. hahaha! (:
My 3rd night... All has been ok...Yesterday was Nurses's day so there was like plenty of cakes and all going around. (: Each of us received some gift pack which my colleague said looked like some breastfeeding bag. hahah!
Anyway.. back on shift after such a long Annual Leave.. its terrible! So difficult to get yourself to work. But it's ok. I'm just looking forward to tmr my sleeping day and off day on Monday! (: Melvin said want to travel round singapore. hahaha! For makansutra. hahaha! (:
.she sings.
12:42 AM;
12:42 AM;